Wish I could disappear....

Hello dearies, it’s going to be super hot story this week.. I have tried many times to erase this incident unfortunately it is still vivid in my mind. How can people forget their most embarrassing moment in their lives? Well, I have encountered many humiliating moments in my life but this particular one will stay forever, I guess. I have just revealed this to my husband and until today he is still laughing thinking about it. (sigh) Since I was small, I have gone through a lot of humiliation that no one bears to face. Somehow I managed to rise and react as normal human being after being critised in publics for being fat..the most humiliation I have got till this very day( and I am not doing anything about it..sigh), embarrassed by friends and teachers for being stuttering for whole life. But somehow this particular incident has changed me into a person who hates being around public especially BOYS…for a very long time. I can say that this incident has also made me hated boys for a long period of time.

          My mother thought I have got over it but to tell the truth..It did not.. I felt my dignity was ripped off.. People…please do not have wrong perception on this statement. Some may find it humorous but for me it was the day I lost myself actually. It was in 1996.( sounds like a century ago) I was in Form Three and was going to sit for PMR examination. I have enrolled myself for Accounts tuition since I was quite weak in the subject. I hated that subject so much. I had no interest in Science stream so I enrolled myself in Arts Stream which was discouraged by my teachers and brothers. Due to my lack of the art of wise decision making, I had dumped myself in a tough situation where nothing I learnt in class entered my brain especially Accounts. My teacher advised me on taking extra tuition class as my result was really a disaster On this particular day, I was late as I had the habit of taking naps in the afternoon. The class started at 4.00 in the evening, so I took a short nap which turned out to be a long sleep. I got up at quarter past 4 and I was rushing to the tuition centre like a mad person. When I reached there, I realized that the class has started and everyone’s eyes were settled on me. I felt really embarrassed as my face was very obvious that I had just got up from bed. Everyone had the cynical smile on me but however the boys burst out laughing and I was wondering what was so funny until they had to laugh in that way. I quickly settled down at the back of the class and was concentrating on the lesson. However, the boys kept on giggling and smiling looking at me. I was furious and gave a stare at them but they kept on giggling. It made me angry and I had to warn them to keep quiet as I felt really uncomfortable with their reactions.

Throughout the lesson, I felt awkward as I felt eyes were staring at me. It made felt remorseful throughout the day. Once the lesson was over, the boys were teasing me and calling me names which I do not wish to say. Very absurd and vulgar anyway and I was horrified to hear those words. I waited for those indecent boys to leave but somehow there was this one good looking Punjabi boy waited for them to leave and sat back. Only a friend of mine, the boy and myself were in the class. Out of bloom, the boy just said..Helo Miss… Baju awak koyak lah..( Hello miss, your shirt is torn.) At the moment I felt goose bumps all over me and I felt blood rushing to my face and my face turned red. 

my exact reaction at that time

He was a gentleman as once he told me that, he quickly left the class so that I could do something with my T-shirt. I was wearing a worn out T-shirt and I didn’t realize it was torn from the armpit until the waist length. I was sweating and felt so embarrassed as I had never gone through this humiliation and being told by the most hottest guy in the class made it worst(sigh). I refused to get out from the class but was persuaded by my friends to leave as the boys have left the tuition centre earlier. I waited an hour and rode my bicycle as fast as I can to reach home. I cried all the way and when I reached, I told my mother about the incident. As usual, they had a good laugh too. I sulked and stayed in the room and was recalling the incident and examining how big the hole was and was experimenting the incident from different angles whether the boys have seen my body parts that no girls want to show. To make things worst, I had worn an inner which is bright in colour and then I realized they were actually mentioning the colour that I have worn. I felt like hitting my head on the wall. I felt like going to other planet just to hide myself. But, I guessed it was too late.

 I stopped going for tuition after that as I couldn’t bear to face the mean boys. I hated going to school by bus as some of the boys go to school together with me in the same bus. I had persuaded my brother to pick me up every day and I had to bribe him every single day to pick me up.

Later, things were cooled down but I was still tormented by the incident. I hated talking to the boys as I felt very uncomfortable talking while looking at their faces. Until today, I still feel embarrassed thinking about the incident and always wanted to change my identity and my face(haha). Coincidence, I met the Punjabi guy the last time I went back home, in a supermarket, he gave me a big grin. I smiled and wondered what was the big grin for?????(sigh).

My Little School Story

Everyone enjoys their school life. As for me I didn't enjoy much. I encountered bitter moments compared to sweet ones. As I’ve told in my previous blog entry, I had stuttering problem and it was real bad. Teachers and friends were mean to me most of the time but I managed to pull through all those difficult moments and be someone now and not someone who I was in school. I was timid and reserved person during my schooling. I was very much isolated and I had few friends during my primary school. Only later when, stuttering went away, I began to talk more and had a circle of good friends during my teenage life. My friends were more understanding and kind during my secondary school. I hate to recall all my bad moments during my childhood especially in school. I try to forget my past and moved on actually. But somehow, there were some moments that I could not forget during my primary school. It was the canteen day..

school badge....i just adore it till today

            Most primary schools nowadays do not organize canteen day and I felt such a waste. They have “Hari usahawan” instead which is so different compared to those days canteen days. During my primary schooling, Canteen Day was held in the month of June. However, the preparation for the day was done months before. We will be eager waiting for the day to come. Concentration will not be in lesson. We will always talk about the preparation in the class. Our class teacher will ask all of us to bring the food to sell during the day. I can remember I’m always in charged for the chicken rice. I will only bring the rice and some of my friends will bring the other dishes for the chicken rice. I remembered how my mother and I will get up as early as 4.00 a.m to prepare the rice. I was so grateful to mum as she did not even grumble once doing those works for me. She did it for my happiness. She always wanted me to enjoy my school days. My teacher had to come to my house to pick the big pot of rice as my father did not own a car. I felt so special as my class teacher will come to my house and I seriously felt privileged and would brag to my friends about it. It was a big thing for me(sigh).

the building looks new even though its more than a century

             On canteen day, we will be up early and went to school very early too. We had to set up our stalls and we had to write the price tag for each food. Our “trademark” food for our class was always the chicken rice and by 10.00 o’clock, the food will be sold out. It was so delicious and mouth watering. Sometimes, we don’t even get the chance to taste our food. We will be selling cakes, ice cream, laksa and others during that day. The purchase will be done in coupons and not money. We had to buy coupon, days before the canteen day as they will sell the coupon at a different price on Canteen Day. Mother will give RM 5 to purchase my coupons. RM 5 was a huge amount for us 25 years ago. Not only that, the class that gets the most coupon will be the winner and we will receive a gift for that and usually it will be in cash. I remembered one of the classes where the class teacher Pn. Siti Zubaidah, a pretty and princess look like teacher who always have competitions and the gifts were Barbie dolls. We will spend so much to win in the competition and who wouldn't want a BARBIE DOLL!!!!!!!!! Her class was the winner every year and it was because of us who spent our fortune to get the prize. hahahah!!!! It was fun, she even had a toy flower which dances when we speak. It was amazing. We will buy tickets over and over again just to get a chance to talk to the disco flower. haha!!! It was fun. I had the most exciting moment during my school canteen day. The canteen was open to outsiders and as we were in Convent girl’s school, and invitation to the boys’ school was heaven for some girls and not for me. I hated boys very much. I thought they were a nuisance. My friends will go gaga over these boys as they felt excited to see them. My friends will get to meet their admires during that time and love blossomed during the canteen day(sigh). I was introvert so i didn't know and had no intention  to know anyone. The atmosphere during the canteen day was so lively and we will feel sad when the day was over. That day, we can see the entrepreneurship in us. I love to do business during my canteen day.

those days....

            Until today, I cherished those moments during my primary school. Sad to say that, I feel my students do not enjoy as much as my friends and I enjoyed during our school time. Time flies and the activities and environment changed. I hope that my students will encounter better moments compared to mine as school memories last forever in us.

I ADORE YOU... MY HERO....

I will always look up to someone when I needed inspiration. People, most of the time will relate their idols to the special person in life. Parents, siblings, relatives, teachers and friends are usually their idols. No doubt, my parents are my idol but for me they are next to GOD. I am always grateful for having me here in this world. Without them, I am nobody. Idol, in my interpretation, is someone that we look up to as inspiration and what we want to be. This person has made tremendous impact to me and this particular person has me made change into a better person especially to my parents, friends, spouse and most importantly to other human beings around.

This man is one of the most respected and revered actor. He is none other than Kamal Hassan. Even though he is an Indian actor, during my schooldays, most of my non Indians friends used to adore him as he is not only talented, he is also blessed with good looks and charm He has an avid interest in every aspect of filmmaking and is known for his work as a choreographer, director, and writer, as well. He is also a prolific writer. I have read some of his writings and I should say it is a golden masterpiece. I love his all his writings because he writes out from his heart and it is pure. Most importantly, his English is so fantastic. I have now words his usage Of English as all his works has revamped all his fans including me into social work and charity. Furthermore, the best part he even a had campaign on “Cleaning India” and many of his fans and Indian citizens who are not his fans as well set their feet into this campaign in cleaning the most filthiest slum areas in India. He did manage to change the citizen’s mindset which is really mind blowing to me. His opinions during interview were always socially relevant. For me , he is not a great actor but also a great philantrophist.

He is very much talented in singing and dancing. He not acts but also choreographs most of his dance movements by himself. I even started to enjoy classical dance after watching his movie “Salangai Oli” which a blockbuster hits and also received many prestigious awards. The most amazing thing is he can speak 14 languages. He took the effort to learn all the languages for his knowledge which really impressed. He has received many National Awards and the highest award the recent award is “Padmasree” which is like Oscars in Hollywood.

Even though, his personal life is not to the expectation, but it doesn’t matter me at all. Well, whose lives are perfect anyway???? He is a walking encyclopedia to the Indians. He is mogul in the entertainment business and others. I have always look up on him since I was 5 years old. It has been 29 years loving every single act or saying he did which inspires me to do something. Since I became a freak fan of him, my entire family and friends also have encouraged me to admire him by buying any posters, books or movies done by him. The best part is , when I was pregnant, I used to stare at his photo so that my sons will look like him and my son resembles him a little.( Thank God my husband is ok with this, as he is also a fan of him). My one and only wish is to get a golden chance to meet him personally and have a picture with him. My only idol and I feel no one can replace his talent. A great man indeed!!!!

my son and little Kamal... I love doing this...he got his ears..hihihi

A YET TO ACHIEVE DREAM.....

Hello everyone, well today's blog is interesting as I've kept this "secret" for quite some time. I'm going to reveal it and I hope I would not be teased by my fellow mates about this.. Just a few weeks ago, my fellow mates and I planned to go for a P Ramlee exhibition in Kuala Lumpur. Unfortunately the plan was cancelled. This exhibition will be attended by many celebrities and they even have  a singing competition as well. I was fooling around with my friends saying that I want to take part in the singing competition and many thought it was a joke. It was a joke!!! I just don't have the guts to be singing in front of hundreds of people but none of my fellow mates know that the truth is my dream was to be  a SINGER...I know many of you will be laughing out load reading my revelation. Even I still laugh at myself until today that once upon a time I always wanted to be a singer and a dancer.

dancing competition.. won third placing..back in 1994

I love to sing. I started off first being a bathroom singer when my parents found out that I could actually sing and made me participated in many stage shows since I was little. I was very active in school singing class.I was even the choir leader in my primary school.Singing was my passion and same goes to dancing. I always wanted to enroll myself in dance class, but lady luck was not always by my side, Each time,I wanted to enroll, the teacher will transfer to other places and even once the teacher met with a bad accident which made her quit herself and myself too(sigh)...It was a bad omen for me and my family which made me quit dancing class but I started to choreograph my own movements in stag shows while I was in school, university and even teacher's training college. .I have started singing and dancing at the age of five.

singing for a cultural show

received a prize for singing competition

 I used to sing in shows organized by the Malayalee Association in Teluk Intan. This is not because I want to be an active member or having the initiative to learn Malayalam, its all about singing and dancing.(sigh) I feel the excitement each time I was asked to perform of people..It keeps my adrenaline thing working in me.,  Even in schools, I will always get high marks for my singing test and my trademark song will be" Senyum seindah suria yang membawa cahaya"Not to brag, but it was a proud thing for me as that's the only talent that I have discovered within myself( sigh).

at the age of 13..cultural show

I inherited the talent of singing from my father. My father was a talented singer himself and my mother could dance very well.I guess I got the mixed genes in me from them. My mum used to dance when she was little and whenever we go for any parties or events held by my relatives, she will be the ice breaker and the first one to start the dance floor. It was fun seeing her with plump built figure dancing movements that most ladies will never try( hihi).My parents will always encourage me to follow my dream. They were never discouraging when I told them I wanted to be a singer.

performing  bangra...at the back with black vest is my brother..it runs in the blood..hahahah

However, I kept on dreaming of becoming a well known singer for many years. Each time, my teacher asked us to explain about ambition, I will tell them that I wanted to be a famous singer or dancer and I love to imagine myself the next Janet Jackson. My brother is a good dancer too.I will always imagine myself performing a duo with my brother. It is hilarious to think about it.My family and I used to joke about this whenever we have our gatherings. I used to be hired by my cousins to sing in weddings and birthdays..but for free.

cultural dance at the age of 16

My best friend, Punitha who pursued degree with me had always encouraged me to join singing competition or even dance competition but it never happened.. I feel I just cant pressure myself in those kind of competitions those days but I regretted until today. I should have join and revealed my talent. However, I have stopped singing and nobody really know that once upon a time I can sing..The last time I sung was on my wedding dinner  just to impress my husband and that's the only time my husband knew that I could sing.

dedicated a song for my husband..it was a surprise,,that is why he gave that look on his face...

Time flies and I have not achieved it.But somehow I found that my son could sing. Hopefully he will like singing like me too. Or perhaps achieving my dream through him. I will never force him to do so but just praying that he will step his foot into singing which the mother have not accomplished..